With the recent success of the Oscar winning movie ‘The Whale’ highlighting the plight of overweight people I thought it might make a nice change to give you a break from my usual ‘musical memoirs’ (sadly that saga will probably make a welcome (?) return next month) and share with you a particular little ditty that was penned by yours truly many moons ago.
I happened to come across this poem recently while going through some old photographs and as I recall the idea I had at the time was to highlight the plight of those at school (and elsewhere) who were ridiculed and more than often ostracised for being shall we say ‘somewhat plump’. Please don’t think for one moment that I’m taking the moral high ground with this because my viewpoint unfortunately comes from bitter personal experience. Before I got into my teens and began gaining some height this was very much my everyday reality.
The script that follows may hopefully bring forth the odd wry smile, but believe me, those times were anything but fun.
Fat Kid
Every school has one
A fat kid
THE fat kid
Not every body knows his name
He’s just the school fat kid
An old buddy of mine once asked me
“Who was the fat kid in your school? “
Then he fell about for twenty minutes
When I told him it was me
My old pal went through half a box of Kleenex
Crying with laughter
He went through the other half shortly after
Trying to stop his nose from bleeding
School dinners were nothing short of torture
For the poor kid behind me in the queue
Who would break out in a cold sweat
At the thought of not being able to see
What he’d not get the chance to eat
The dinner ladies decided that to be fair to all
(Because I was Wilford)
We should line up in alphabetical order
My heart went out to Pete Yardley
My fond mama would regularly go to church
Usually on the day before she took me shopping
To pray that she could find something that would fit me
One helpful shop assistant once said
“If you want a pair of shorts for Humpty Dumpty
Might I suggest the toy department on the third floor”
Another told her…
“I’m afraid we don’t stock school uniforms
For Goodyear Grammar”
Girls were a problem
Patsy Walker once asked
If my friend and I would like to meet her
Behind the cycle shed
The fact that I was alone didn’t deter me in the least
Although I did get upset
When she asked me to breathe out
And blow up her flat tyre
I promptly then sat on her bike
And gave her a matched pair
In the immortal words of my hero Billy Bunter… tee hee!
Anyway, next time you see the school fat kid… have some pity.
Keith.